11:10 AM - Jan. 06, 2004
(This was my first attempt. The one I submitted is here. The thinking was that I had already done a song ripoff one earlier, and all the obscure Victor Hugo might get lost in the translation somewhere.)
Immunity Challenge 8: Cellblock Scribes Submitted by Loudwoman: You are in prison for a heinous crime. Write a prison penpal ad that will have hapless folks sending you porn, marriage proposals, magazines, stamps, and money for the canteen, as well as smuggling contraband in their undies when they visit.
Updated: January 7, 1801
Sex: M
DOB: Unknown
Seeking: Women, Men, Donations
Nationality: French
Religion: Christian
Convicted of: Grand Theft
Release Date: Earliest 1820
Interests: Writing, Cooking, Literature, Politics
For
those of you looking for a young, sensitive, sincere, lovable, thoughtful, open
and honest man to fulfill that void in your life, whether it be relationship or
friendship related, then I am the one to make you complete. I hold no secrets
nor do I have any baggage to carry along on our journey together. If you have
questions, just ask. I'm listening. I will put my all into sharing about me
and caring about you.
I am a lonely young man with a huge heart full of love and no one to share it
with. If you feel like writing someone who is real with what he says and
sugarcoats nothing, then write me soon and I'll get back with you immediately. In
good faith I have enclosed a sample of my writing which describes in essence
why I am where I am. I hope we can become more than friends.
--
gentil, gentil bébé
(avec des excuses pour Vanilla Ice)
Yo yo warden... let’s kick it.
All right stop, take a seat and listen –
I am back with a brand new confession
‘cuz someone grabs a hold of me tightly
and drags me to the shower daily and nightly.
Will it ever stop? Yo, I don’t know.
They turn off the lights, and yell “blow!”
All I really want is a book I can handle,
a jigger of scotch, and a peppermint candle.
Damn, there’s a horn that booms
at 6 in the AM we go to bath room.
Deadly – don’t smile when you stand there
they’ll dig up your ass to find a little man there.
No way to leave it – you better play straight.
Guards will kill you if you’re up too late.
All I really need is someone to write to –
someone to listen and talk of my nights to...
I am nice nice, baby.
Really nice nice, baby.
By day this prison is jumpin’
with the thugs oiled up and the weight room pumpin’
Send me a joint and I’ll be bakin’
And tradin’ my brownies for some stamps – no fakin’!
You’ll be dead in here if you ain’t quick and nimble
you’ll be someone’s little penis thimble –
I am quiet and never say “Hell-o”.
I hide in the corner and always fly solo.
Fifteen, no, fourteen years to go –
I wear a hat so my hair don’t show.
If a girly would stop just to wave and say hi
would I write? Everyday! Know why?
I’d keep writing and never ever stop
cuz prison life is simply just a cell block
where all are dead
or they continue to wait for
their special day
on Death Row Avenue.
Send me some girls wearing less than bikinis
and scrolls with some men with tiny little weenies.
I can trade those off for good bottles of wine –
Ones that I can age while I’m here serving time.
I’ll be a good Christian and preach to the wall
and maybe Jesus will kick the ass of the jerk down the hall.
My God, this life’s a total hell:
I stole some bread and all I heard was bells.
My head got hit and I fell real fast
and when I woke I got kicked in the ass!
Lots of guys stripped down to their underwear --
we tried to get away but this guy named Javert
was all over the scene, you know what I mean?
He locked me up, and called me a joke fiend.
You like my story? Write me when you're done.
Send your penpal letter to inmate 24601.
I am nice nice, baby.
Really nice nice, baby.
--
Feel free to call me “VJ.”
Jean
Valjean
8674 B-Sud 24601
Centre
Pen. de Clairvaux
10310 Ville Sous La Ferte
France
