8:20 AM PST - Jan. 06, 2004
Immunity Challenge 8: Cellblock Scribes
Submitted by Loudwoman: You are in prison for a heinous crime. Write a prison penpal ad that will have hapless folks sending you porn, marriage proposals, magazines, stamps, and money for the canteen, as well as smuggling contraband in their undies when they visit.
Sex: M
DOB: 04/22/70
Seeking: Women, Men, Donations (Stamps, Recreational Reading Material, etc.)
Race: Asian
Religion: Christian
Convicted of: Securities Fraud
Release Date: Earliest 2030
Interests: Writing, Cooking, Literature, Astrology
For
those of you looking for a young, sensitive, sincere, lovable, thoughtful, open
and honest man to fulfill that void in your life, whether it be relationship or
friendship related, then I am the one to make you complete. I hold no secrets
nor do I have any baggage to carry along on our journey together. If you have
questions, just ask. I'm listening. I will put my all into sharing about me
and caring about you.
I am a lonely young man with a huge heart full of love and no one to share it
with. If you feel like writing someone who is real with what he says and
sugarcoats nothing, then write me soon and I'll get back with you immediately.
As restitution to the world at large, I provide a number of services for which I seem to receive a nominal donation. Below I’ve listed some of my past clientele and the advice I’ve provided them. I hope I can be as helpful to you as I have been to them.
I hope we can become more than friends.
--
1. 
She requested: Career and relationship advice
She sent: Some mouse ears and her first CD
My response: “Dump JT. That boy is a man-whore and his last name sounds more like a hippie sandal than a rock star. Stick to things you do well like dancing and lip synching. Stay away from sideline businesses like restaurants and fashion. Your looks will only take you so far. That’s all for now – I need to run because they only let us see the first quarter of Monday Night Football.”
2. 
She requested: Financial and legal advice
She sent: A basket of handmade confetti eggs and a rum walnut fruitcake
My response: “Plea bargain. And don’t even consider hiring Johnny Cochrane. I hired him and look where I ended up. You might want to add some egg whites to your fruitcake to soften it up a bit. I chipped a tooth on this one.”
3. 
They requested: Career advice
They sent: Chanel soap on a rope, boxers by Giorgio, and Godiva chocolates
My response: “You guys jumped the shark with that music video. Time to pull back. Maybe you should do Celebrity Mole with Dennis Rodman or give Nick Nolte a makeover. Thanks for the underwear. Tell Thom he needs to lose the rug.”
4. 
He requested: Bedroom advice
He sent: A subscription to Playboy and Playgirl
My response: “Admit it. You miss Oprah. Once you go black, you can never go back. Maybe you might roleplay with your wife? You could be Charlotte Rae, and she could be Todd Bridges ...”
5. 
He requested: Lifestyle advice
He sent: Two raisins and four rocks
My response: “Kick your master’s ass already. His buddy Sam is a wuss, and can be taken out with a good smack between the eyes. Oh, when you get the ring, could you take out #3 and #4? They’ve always annoyed me to no end.”
6. 
She requested: Personal growth advice
She sent: a backpack, sandals, erasers, and bunch of small colored pencils
My response: “Live a little. Treat yourself. Get rid of your animal friends and branch out. I just realized that you are alot like #2. Be careful of insider trading. And it would do you some good to grow a spine and scratch someone’s eyes once in awhile. I recommend that frog you hang out with – he’s annoying.”
7. 
He requested: Political advice
He sent: White House napkins
My response: “If you pardon me, I will tell you where Osama is.”
--
Moseu Pote # H-24601
P.
O. Box 8
Avenal, CA 93204
